BAEC Bulletin | November/December 2022 | 33
and depression, which caused me to drink more. My husband and kids always seemed so angry with me. I didn’t really understand why. The kids weren’t even here, and I was never a mean drunk, just a sleepy one. I had fantasies of escaping the pain I was in then. but they were fantasies about my death. I envisioned it, but, thankfully, I didn’t ever try anything more dangerous than the drinking itself. That would have done the trick eventually if nothing changed. People who loved me and saw me struggling had offered help along the way, but I thought I could do it on my own. I tried to quit many times. Usually, I would begin my sobriety on a Monday, but by Tuesday or Wednesday there would be some occasion to drink, and my resolve left faster than that first drink could be poured. I felt ashamed and alone. Every once in a while, someone would share their own struggle with alcohol and or depression. I would always make a note of it. I would congratulate those brave people, but I wasn’t ready to change. Even though I didn’t reach out to any of these people, I made note of who they were. I knew I could call them if I was ever ready to make a change. In November of that year, my ailing loved one did die and I was heartbroken. There was not enough wine in the world to ease that pain. My kids were home for the funeral and the walls were closing in. This time, I grabbed onto that hand that was reached out to help me. That hand got me to the place where my healing could begin. I went away for my recovery. I spent that Thanksgiving alone, scared, sad, guilty and ashamed. But there I had nothing to numb those feelings. So, I had to confront the reasons I was feeling that way. I was lucky. I was in a beautiful place far away from any of the things or people that might trigger me. And I had lots of therapy with the best counselors in their field. I found a psychologist I liked to continue that work when I got home. The first year was hard, alcohol was everywhere, and I felt it calling to me not just from the happy hours, bars and endless alcohol centered social events, but the liquor stores I passed, Television, even Facebook and Instagram where it seemed like every third post has some alcohol content. They all taunted me, but eventually, their noise lessened, and I didn’t think about drinking all the time. I went to meetings, I got to know Lawyers helping Lawyers. They got me through those first months when the likelihood of relapse hung over me like a dark cloud. I started to heal in places I didn’t even know were broken. My doctors found the right
combination of medicine to control my anxiety and depression. Ironically, while one of my reasons for drinking was to chase sleep, I now sleep better than I ever have in my life. Through my recovery, I have met some of the most impressive people, who have built success while hiding their struggles. Just like me. Others were brave enough to identify themselves by their struggle. I wasn’t there. I continued the hard work of therapy for years. I would never be where I am today without that help. It’s gotten easier over the 7 years, but I still have fantasies about drinking. Thank God I know there are places to turn, and I promise myself that I will make that call or attend that meeting before I would ever take that first drink. I have kept this story and my struggle private. Today, I share it because I know that the brave people that shared their stories before me had planted in me a path out of the darkness and when I was ready, I knew to whom I could turn for help. And they were there then, and they are still there to this day. And I am here, and I am offering my hand to anyone who needs help out of their own personal darkness. If you can’t see that glimmer of hope, I ask you to take a leap of faith. What do you have to lose? I know you have so much to gain. I dedicate this message to Roger, who answered my call and to all the lawyers on the Lawyers helping Lawyers committee who have openly shared their struggles and answered those calls countless times. They have saved careers, marriages and lives by being there for friends and strangers. So, this Thanksgiving I am grateful for having been given the opportunity to heal and get a second chance at building and feeling this stressful, crazy, hard, amazing, and wonderful life. As hard as it was, I am grateful for the struggle itself. It is part of who I am, and it is how I got to this amazing place where I find myself today. And I am thankful for hope. If you can’t see it, reach out a hand, we’ll help get you to a place where you can find it too. Lawyers Helping Lawyers - 716-852-1777 BAEC Member Assistance Program - 716-681-4300 Jill K. Bond - 716-316-8527
With gratitude, Jill •
Powered by FlippingBook